Saturday, March 26, 2005


Under normal circumstances, I soil my armor so often that I stenciled "Depends Undergarment" across the back of my girth. Hell, my buff cycle includes scotch guarding the inside of my armor to keep it from rusting, since I wet myself out of fear so much.

But, this "caulcano" thing is a whole different story -- no one said ANYTHING about dragons.


Let me back up:

So an alliancemate is showing me the withered tumerok area. We kill about 10-15 of these things, and another guy shows up, also in the alliance. Cool. As we do this, we're also on a thing called "Ventrilo" (just a voicechat program) and I hear people talking about "body recovery" and "Caul." In fact, I also notice people talking about it in @a. Well, heck -- I just learned Caul recall last week! I bet I should go!

The 3rd person in our fellow demurrs from the recovery mission as being too dangerous, but he's like level 110 or something. So, logically, I bailed as well, right? No. Because I am an idiot.

You say to your Monarch, "Need some help?"
Death tells you, "rofl, should I just give you 15% vitae now and save us the time?"

Turns out my clanmates were up for me coming along. There were 6 of them (all "126" (in truth more like 150ish)), and me, furiously water-sealing my armor.

But, I mean, how bad can this be? I've got a nice set of bows, some hog on them, and I'm buffed. On the voicechat, people are giggling about the "dragons."

I consider myself a student of AC. There AREN'T any dragons in AC. They're just trying to scare me. So we take off running.

WTF? "Monstrous Mite?" "Soiled Doll?" Uh oh.
Death says, "So many ways, so little time . . . "
You wince.
You scan the horizon.
You say to your fellowship, "Hey look -- giant flying lizards breathing fire."
You think, "Better use my cold rending bow."
You chill Biaka for 35 points of cold damage!
You chill Biaka for 37 points of cold damage!
Critical hit! You chill Biaka for 69 points of cold damage!
You say to your fellowship, "Best attack is cold? You sure?"
War Kaos says to your fellowship, "Yup"
You think, "uh-oh."
Biaka tells you, "ur too lame to kill, plz just stand over here and do the "winded" emote, want a screenshot for mah partron."
Biaka tells you, "I'm going to azz nail this gimp over here ehehehehe"
Biaka tells you, "mt"

Holy F-ing crap. Not just flying lizards who do fire damage and cast spells. Flying lizards with 'tudes. What kind of flying lizards breathe fire, cast spells, and talk smack?


@e pees himself.

Not good.

I found out that "Caulcano" part of Caul is apparently a pretty tough place, and is nuts. It sure was tonight. I counted 8+ deaths from the various folks in my fellowship. I didn't die, but that was only because my monarch, Kaos, was busting his tail to cast Adja's Gift on me over and over and over and (well, you get the idea). Also, it helped that I wasn't doing any damage to the dragons until they were imp'd, vuln'd, and tied to a chair with tape across their eyes like some kind of Abu Ghraib-looking dragon. THEN I could kick butt.

We found a ledge and held down a position to go get the various bodies (we lost more people trying to recover just the first ones, and there was another fellow out there with many of the same problems). Eventually, we worked together (I had to @tell their fellow leader to tell him that the reason we were all so quiet was that we were in voicechat) and got our fellows' bodies back.

At one point, when there was just utter chaos (no pun to my boss, Kaos), with people literally dying left and right, I decided it was time for decisive action, in the best way I know how: I ran like hell.

Specifically, I ran straight for this large, tower-looking building covered in mobs. I figured, "What the heck -- people need time to get their bodies, I'll lead them on a chase. At this point, my radar turns orange, and I run headlong towards the tower, but (with a buffed run of 450ish) none of them touch me.

In fact, I made it IN the tower.

You think, "Now what."
Death tells you, "Stand still."
You tell Death, "Quiet you! Oh look, stairs!"

So I run UP this tower, and realize that there are all the mobs, BELOW me. They can't get to me.

Tai Fung blows raspberries at the hellions and biakas.
Hellion tells you, "Ur so dead beyotch"
Void Knight tells you, "I just bought you in the shower for a carton of cigarettes."

I am NOT getting down from there.

Now, while I'm up there, and notice this big, boxy looking thing -- and I ignore it. Turns out that I discovered later that there is some sort of "free" chest on Caul that gives uber loot, assuming you can get through the mobs to open it. Oops. That's ok, because I'm not going back here until I can load my bow with stinger missles.

Uh-oh. Mobs are beaming in on TOP of the tower. Time to bail and meet everyone at the drop-off point (again). But, rather than recall, what do I do? Run DOWN the tower. THROUGH the mobs. OVER more hills.

But don't die.

Death tells you, "WTF?"

I had to recall eventually, because I got separated from the fellow, and then made a SOLO run to find a different way to the last person's body. Instead, I got pursued by some SERIOUSLY bizarre looking mobs -- "Soiled Doll" just sounds foul, and those marionettes scare the crapola outta me.

But in the end, the fellow had made about 14million for me alone, and I'd killed all of 3 creatures. Three. But no deaths.

So, what did I learn?

1. There be dragons out there. And I'll be over HERE, thankyouverramuch.
2. Sometimes, even a gimp can serve a purpose (even if it's drawing their fire).
3. I love healing. Mostly from me, but in a pinch, from a patient monarch.
4. See #1.

You'll have to excuse me, I need to lock the doors to my villa.

Dragons. Sheesh. If I wanted to die THAT way, I'd buy Everquest. :-(

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