Friday, June 17, 2005

You may now call me . . .

. . . Bill Cosby.

FOR I AM THE MASTER OF ALL THINGS JELL-O.

I so heart killing Jellos in the VOD. I went through THREE full spawns of jellos in the VOD this morning. Cleaned em all out. Barely took a single hit from a spell, beyond debuffs and the odd drain. No wars. Woot. Only about 3 million plus XP, but it was FUN!

Bear in mind, as an archer (er, as a gimp), I can't seem to kill ANYTHING in the VOD, without it first being tied up, gagged, and otherwise lashed down to the ground like a Guantanemo inmate.

Except Jellos. I don't know why, but I freaking OWN those things with my slash rending bow. Granted, the only time I'll fight the things is when I have a grove of trees to hide in (I'm actually like a sniper then -- lean around corner of tree, shoot, quickly turn back behind it: lather, rinse, earn XP). I'm a dumbass on this game, but not SO dumb that I'll stand out in a field and do my impression of a wooden target drudge for those things.

I even like how they look. I mean, were the devs loopy on Mai-Tais (get it?) when they came up with these things? In fact, I wonder . . .

(sounds of harp music . . . cut to scene inside Turbine HQ)

======================
Developer Bob says, "Ok, we need a new monster.
Developer Les says, "But it has to be WEIRD and unexplainable! Like the success of Tom Petty!"
Developer Sean says, "(passes out face first into the 7-layer dip)"
Developer Lesl says, "Dibs on Sean's drink coupons!"
Developer Bob says, "Seriously, though -- what about, like, a BOX!"
Developers stare at Bob.
Developer Bob says, "No, really -- like just a polygonal BOX, but with color, so they can see that they're just FIGHTING BOXES, and that we've just GIVEN UP on monster design!"
Developer Kim says, "But they'll see THROUGH that! We need to give them cool lore."
Developer Matt says, "MATT DAMON!"
Developer Sandra says, "Haw -- how about "K'nath Tead?"
Developers stare at Sandra.
Developer Les says, "Death Tank? . . . you mean like the game, "Battlezone?"

HINT:

http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Image:Arcade-atari-battlezone1.png
http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Battlezone

ANYWAY, BACK TO OUR LITTLE PLAY:

Developer Sandra says, "Yup! THAT! They'll NEVER get it!" And we name the TYPES of Death Tanks after US! But with our names all scramblies!
Developer Matt says, "MATT DAMON!"
Developer Bob says, "But they'll tell it's me -- K'nath obb?" That won't work.
Developer Sandra says, "Well then Bob, you will HAVE TO DIE!"
(Sandra shoots Bob just above his right eye).
Developer Sandra says, "Well Kim? Think you'll be ok?
Developer Kim says, "Um, they'll NEVER get "K'nath I'km!" (sweats profusely)

Developer Sandra says, "But we have to make them IMPOSSIBLE to fight -- just like us!"
Developer Alan says, "I just blew up Frostfell's server! All characters deleted! But they'll still keep playing! Woo-hoo! I think I'll eat some more paint chips. LALALALALALALALALA."

Developer Sandra says, "Let's have them all cast war spells, including streaks, AT WILL, and CHAIN CAST drains!"

(all Devs): "(CHEEER!) WOO HOO!"
Developer Sandra says, "There -- I just drew a box on a piece of paper -- a "long cube," really. I just designed our monsters!"
Developer Alan says, "Woot! Monthly update completed then!"
Developer Sean says, "Mmmmwhahaph? What'd I miss? Where's my drink?"
Developer Matt says, "MATT DAMON!"
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